In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail the psychologist John Gottman formulated four communication pitfalls, which in his view are clear symptoms of relationships falling apart. He called them FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.
Here they are:
- Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong, generalizations: “you always…”, “you never…”, “you’re the type of person who …”, “why are you so …”, “when will you ever…”
- Contempt:
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or hurt (emotionally abuse) him/her:
– Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy, impotent…”
– Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
– Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
- Defensiveness:
Instead of hearing out your partner, seeing self as a victim, warding off a perceived attack:
– Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t have a choice…”, “You made me…”
– Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said “You are the one to talk!..” “Look at yourself…”
– Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, it’s you who …” “I did this because you did that…”
– Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
– Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
– Whining about your partner’s reactions: “But it’s not fair…”
- Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to stop a discussion and escape conflict, or as punishment. One may think they are being “neutral”, but stonewalling conveys disconnection, disapproval, icy distance, separation, inattention, and/or smugness and superiority:
– Changing the subject, withdrawing your attention
– Turning away or walking out, removing yourself physically without a plan for reconnection
– Stony silence
– Monosyllabic mutterings
– Silent Treatment
REMEDIES – what can you do to get back on track:
- Conscious and clear communication: Speaking the unarguable truth – expressing your feelings, needs, fears and perceptions with ownership – & listening generously.
- Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I ask for Z).
- Validate your partner: let your partner know that you are listening, and how it makes sense to you what they are saying; show them you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes.
Of course, it is only convincing when you sincerely made an effort and actually understood what they are saying.
Note: communicating in this way does not mean one will always get what they’re asking for. Nor does listening and making sense of your partner’s words means you’re necessarily agreeing with them. However, it allows you to stay connected through the conflict, thus helping to find a common ground and relational support even as you’re arguing.
- Shift to appreciation: find 5 times more positive feelings & interactions then negative, per Gottman’s statistically-researched suggestion. A loving touch, an inner joke, a supportive gesture or a cup of tea might be available even when a full-blown date-nigh outing feels like a stretch.
Again, it might be an effort to shift the habit of seeing only the painful sides of any situation, and to open your eyes to the enjoyable aspects of your relationships. And if there’s none at first or even second glance, ask yourself – what are you still doing in this relationship? There must be a reason… - Remind yourself that you and your partner are two different grownup people: it is ok for you to disagree, feel differently, or want different things, as long as you can hear both and respect the difference.
Compromise if you’re so moved; be creative at negotiating and finding a solution; allow yourself to grieve the irreconcilable differences. - Claim responsibility for self: “Which of my actions contributed to the problem?”; “How did I participate in the situation?”; “What other choices are available to me?”; “What can I learn from this?”; “Constructively, what can I do about it now, and in the future?”
Remember, though, that your partner’s choices are their responsibility, and you cannot “make” someone do something, or change against their will. Claiming agency and self-responsibility also means letting go of the fantasy of manipulating another adult’s feelings and actions. - Re-write your inner script: replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of empathy, appreciation, trust, and self-responsibility that are soothing & validating; try to let go of your inner “shoulds”, self-blaming & self-criticisms – they are rarely constructive.
Sort out an unfinished business with your family of origin and past relationships – internal closure will help you to separate the past from the present, and thus to become less reactive.
Find a way to forgive and validate yourself. - Practice getting undefended: see your partner’s utterances for what they really are: just expressions of their needs, hurts, fears, and desires through fleeting words and puffs of air; reality-check & let go of the stories that you are making up.
Remember: intimacy is vulnerability. Dare to risk it?