In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail the psychologist John Gottman formulated four communication pitfalls, which in his view are clear symptoms of relationships falling apart. He called them FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.
Here they are:
- Criticism:
Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong, generalizations: “you always…”, “you never…”, “you’re the type of person who …”, “why are you so …”, “when will you ever…”
- Contempt:
Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or hurt (emotionally abuse) him/her:
– Insults and name-calling: “bitch, bastard, wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy, impotent…”
– Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
– Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
- Defensiveness:
Instead of hearing out your partner, seeing self as a victim, warding off a perceived attack:
– Making excuses (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t have a choice…”, “You made me…”
– Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint, or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said “You are the one to talk!..” “Look at yourself…”
– Disagreeing and then cross-complaining “That’s not true, it’s you who …” “I did this because you did that…”
– Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
– Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
– Whining “But it’s not fair…”
- Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to stop a discussion and escape conflict, or as punishment. One may think they are being “neutral”, but stonewalling conveys disconnection, disapproval, icy distance, separation, inattention, and/or smugness and superiority:
– Changing the subject, withdrawing your attention
– Turning away or walking out, removing yourself physically
– Stony silence
– Monosyllabic mutterings
– Silent Treatment
REMEDIES – what can you do to get back on track:
- Learn to make specific complaints & requests (when X happened, I felt Y, I want Z)
- Conscious and clear communication: Speaking the unarguable truth – expressing your own feelings, perceptions, fears, needs – & listening generously.
- Validate your partner: let your partner know what makes sense to you about what they are saying; let them know you understand what they are feeling, see through their eyes – of course, it is only convincing when you sincerely made an effort and actually understood what they are saying.
- Shift to appreciation: 5 times as much positive feelings & interactions as negative – again, it might be an effort to shift the habit of seeing only the negative sides of any situation, and to open your eyes to the positive aspects of your relationships.
And if there’s none at first glance, ask yourself – what are you still doing together? There must be a reason…
- Remind yourself that you and your partner are two different people: it is ok for you to disagree, feel differently, or want different things, as long as you can hear both and respect the difference.
Compromise if you’re so moved; be creative at negotiating and finding a solution; allow yourself to grieve the irreconcilable differences.
- Claim responsibility: “Which of my actions contributed to the problem?”; “How did I participate in the situation?”; “What can I learn from this?”; “Constructively, what can I do about it now, and in the future?”
- Re-write your inner script: replace thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimization with thoughts of empathy, appreciation, trust, and responsibility that are soothing & validating; try to let go of your inner “shoulds”, self-blaming & self-criticisms – they are rarely constructive.
Sort out an unfinished business with your family of origin and past relationships – internal closure will help you to separate the past from the present, and thus to become less reactive.
Find a way to forgive and validate yourself.
- Practice getting undefended: see your partner’s utterances for what they really are: just expressions of their needs, hurts, fears, and desires through fleeting words and puffs of air; reality-check & let go of the stories that you are making up.
Remember: intimacy is vulnerability. Dare to risk it?