A colleague introduced me to this blog: http://www.downtothere.com/blog/, one woman’s journey to awaken her sexual desire. She got tired of always being a low drive partner in an otherwise very happy long-term relationship, and after working with a sex coach and opening herself to new possibilities, decided to share her successes and discoveries with others in the same boat.
While reading, I found myself simultaneously impressed by her determination and courage, and wary: I can just see a line of frustrated husbands/wives waiting for the coach to fix their partners “to want more sex”. Thankfully, Pam makes it clear that both she and her partner had to take responsibility for the existing dynamics, and, instead of trying to change each other – grow personally and change their own behaviors in order to come closer to what they both desired.
The way I see it: the common pursuer-distancer pattern, whether it is centered around sexual or emotional unfulfillment in a couple, is always created by both participants – the inability/unwillingness to contain wishes (turning demands) and accept refusal gracefully by the one who desires more, and the inability/unwillingness to “deliver” under pressure by the one with the lower desire, and thus the power to satisfy or decline. Mutual criticisms, guilt and shame and sense of inadequacy, feelings of rejection, resentment, and retaliation are often not too far behind.
What may help? Stopping the familiar “dance”, looking at each other with empathy, and focusing on broadening one’s own ability to tolerate differences with kindness and respect to the other while standing one’s ground. You might find, that pursuing cooperatively a solution that satisfies both of you is much more satisfying than being chased and rejected by each other.
Bottom line: do not change because “there is something wrong with you” (there is nothing wrong with you). Don’t change just out of fear to lose someone’s love, or to placate the other (it leads to more misery, and is hardly sustainable in the long run). Change and grow, because you want to invite more fun, pleasure, closeness, and excitement in your life, to feel more alive and in touch with all the parts of your body and soul.