Earlier I cited Dr. John Gottman’s suggestion that the ratio of positive and negative interactions in a successful relationship is observed to be somewhere around 5:1. But to get there for a troubled couple, is it as simple as to ask partners to say and do nice things to each other more often? I’m afraid not.
I am not talking here about people who are purposefully mean, neglectful, disrespectful, or abusive to their partners. Even well-meaning and loving mates can find themselves in this pitfall. The problem is that saying or doing something positive might not necessarily always be received as such. Sometimes we are so focused on the negative, or so emotionally depleted at the moment, that had Santa himself appeared on our doorstep with praising sing-a-gram and a bag full of presents, our reaction would be: “You must’ve gotten the wrong house. And anyway, you’re probably only saying it ’cause you’re suppose to be nice to everyone…”
Perceiving a lot of negativity and not enough positive interactions might be a habit from a family of origin, a result of hypervigilance after past traumatic relationships, a sign of depression… Or it might be a simple misunderstanding, because you and your loved one speak two different languages, and what looks like expression of endearment to one, seems unimportant (at best) or even frustrating and hurtful (at worst) to another.
A pastor and marriage counselor Gary Chapman describes 5 Love Languages: 5 primary ways in which people tend to express and receive love and affection. Though we might at times utilize all of them, usually one or two are the preferred ones, influenced by our nature and important personal experiences, often from parents or primary caregivers.
According to Chapman, your emotional love language and that of your loved one may be as different as Greek from English – no matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your mate only understands Greek, you’ll never hear each other. Similarly, we tend to speak our primary love language and become confused when our friend, spouse, or child doesn’t understand the affection that we are communicating. But once you identify and learn to speak your partner’s primary love language, your relationship’s prospects become much more optimistic – although it might not be easy, or even comfortable for some. Yet, it might be an effort which is well worth it.
These are The Five Love Languages that Chapman describes; notice which one or two sound really good to you, and which ones seem like your partner’s preferred ways of communicating and connection:
Words of Affirmation
“Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.”Notice, that within the same language there can exist many “dialects” – someone might really want to hear encouragements, while her partner loves praises and endearments – even though their language is the same, they would need to discover and recognize each other preferences and desires, if they want to convey love it the language that does not “go over the head” of their mate, but is taken in as a nourishment and restoration of resources.
Quality Time
“In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.”The quality time does not necessarily only consist of that unattainable month-long romantic vacation on a tropical island – a walk together, a nice dinner for just the two of you, a weekend adventure, a shared laugh at the board game table might just do the trick. The main thing is to give someone your undivided time and attention.
This love language also has many dialects. One of the most common is that of a quality conversation – two individuals spending time together sharing their thoughts and feelings. Attentive listening and understanding go a long way in a relationship. Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation: in order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.
Acts of Service
“Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.”It took me years to understand that my mother’s insistence on feeding me instead of asking and talking to me about my day is her purest declaration of love – she used her primary language, and did not know that I craved for a simple heart-to-heart with her. But I remember how unexpectedly pleased she was when I surprised her with a pile of washed dished after one family reunion.
Nowadays I know, that if I want to show her my affection, I better put my money – or rather, my actions – where my mouth is. If this is your partner’s preferred love language, you better find some time, motivation, and energy, and do the same. Do it not out of guilt or resentment, but out of love – your mate’s joy and appreciation might just be worth the effort spent.
Physical Touch
“This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.”Holding hands, kissing, hugging, and sex – all of these are lifelines for the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language. Without it they may wilt, like a drying up flowers. With it, they feel secure and bask in their partner’s love.
“Love touches” don’t take much time, but they do require a little thought, especially if this isn’t your primary love language and you didn’t grow up in a “touching” family. Make it a point, when coming from work, to pause for a “welcome home” kiss and a good hug. It might even feel a little threatening initially – but who knows, with time you might actually learn to relax into it and will find it deliciously intimate and delightful way to reconnect.
Gifts
“Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of small everyday gestures.”If this is your partner’s love language, don’t wait for a special occasion – sometimes a small unexpected gift becomes the most tangible reminder of your love and connection, especially when you are apart and far away, or caught in a mundane every day routine.
Becoming a proficient gift giver is an easy language to learn if you pay attention to your mate’s tastes and likes, and often a customized do-it-yourself trinket or a funny coffee mug speak volumes more than an expensive but impersonal gift.
There is also an intangible gift that can speak more loudly than something that can be held in one’s hand. Your physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give.
Needless to say, discovering and learning to speak each other love language requires some time, attention, and conscious effort, as well as a lot of self-disclosure – how else will your partner know what you want and need, and what you’re willing to do for them?
So this is what I invite you to do: next time you feel like complaining about your partner’s negativity and luck of attention, ask yourself:
“Is (s)he really not being loving to me, or merely speaking the foreign language that I cannot understand without some effort? Before giving up in disappointment, can I ask for what I want in a clear and constructive way, and hope to receive it?”
“And if not – am I being realistic here, or do I right now choose to see only the negative side of things? Is it true that (s)he really doesn’t appreciate me, or am I reacting to a flashback from my childhood or previous relationships?..”
“Am I so depleted, that I cannot even notice and let in some hope and positivity, and what can I do about it right now? Can I support, encourage, comfort, and treat myself to something nice, and/or get some of what I need from other source, like friends or family, if my partner is unavailable or unwilling right now?”
If after this reality check you still feel you’re stuck with resentment, loneliness, and frustration, and especially if it has been this way for a while, and your few honest attempts at communication went nowhere… Well then, it might be time to take a good look at your partnership, and ask for professional help – together, if your other half is up for it, or just for yourself, if you’re motivated to find a way to feel better in your life.
Discussion of 5 Love Languages based on http://www.5lovelanguages.com/